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Author Topic: Dear Marge........ Humorous thread...... Melodeon related problems only please  (Read 27623 times)

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ACE

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My fence was taken by aliens on Friday night, when their starship came through, perhaps you might have noticed the slight breeze, as they came in from the west. They have been collecting fences for at least 40 years after finding a melodeon that was nailed to a fence somewhere in the west country and mistaking it for an earthling.

Since then the aliens have been masquerading as melodeon players and infiltrating folk festivals and spreading the MAD virus, you can always pick them out as they play boxes with very wet tuning. Some of them have even taken up fataling and Princess Lea's brother,  Lea Ester  is their leader. Who under the pretext of being a repairer is putting ray guns in every box that goes through his workshop. His very own wet tuned hohner is really a weapon of mass destruction and goes under the name of the 'Penguin of Death'.

Be afraid, be very afraid.

Oh and dear Marge what can I do about my affliction with conspiracy 'theo'ries.
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Saltarelle Horizon, Dino mini, Lachenal g/d anglo

Nick Collis Bird

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  ;D ;D ;D
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Has anyone heard of the song. “ Broken Alarm-clock Blues” ? It starts   “I woke up this Afternoon”

Nick Collis Bird

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Dear Mr. Separated from the rest of the country.
My team have advised me that the Rees-on for your dilemma ( and they have a Theo-ry) is that you live on the Isle of Martyn White. It could be worse eg. Leicester.
Marje.
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Has anyone heard of the song. “ Broken Alarm-clock Blues” ? It starts   “I woke up this Afternoon”

pikey

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Dear Marge,
              I am sitting in the smallest room to secretly sent this.   My wife has become suspicious of me wanting to take my melodeon into the bedroom. It is usually kept downstairs within easy reach just in case I have just remembered an old tune and I want to instantly play it, thus recapturing my youth with wistful memories.

 She is under the impression that I want to take it upstairs to use it as a marital aid believing that because I still think as a 25 year old when playing the old tunes it might invigorate me to my old virile self. Nothing could be further from the truth, that given the choice at my age I would rather have a good gravy dinner nowadays. It's a dry tuned box anyway and that is the way I want it to stay, also the very reason it should be kept at a higher level in the house.

I watch the news each day and notice the water levels are rising, many a melodeon, being mistaken from that other bellowed instrument and not worth saving must be floating around in peoples lounges, along with the three piece suites and large screen televisions, especially on the flood plains. If the water should come racing under the door, her priorities would more than likely be that noisy Kenwood chef that she insists on firing up every time I try to practise.

If she will not relent, have any of your associates any tips for drying out wet melodeons from past experiences.

   Yours in passing

Ace Ventnorian and the G Box Dunkers.

Dear Ace, the best way to dry out damp melodeon's is as follows. Take one end off the damp melodeon. Purchase an entire shipment of Shaky Eggs from your local music shop (I agree, they are not really musical instruments, but music shops don't seem to recognise the fact). Break each Shaky Egg apart, and empty the contents of dried peas into the open melodeon. Continue until the melodeon is full of dried peas. Continue to destroy any leftover Shaky Eggs, just in case someone is tempted to try to play one. Add salt and pepper to the peas, replace the end of the melodeon, and shake. (The melodeon, not you). Then leave the melodeon hanging up by one end for at least 4 weeks in a warm, Dry place. Take the end of the now perfectly dry melodeon, shake out the peas (which by now will have matured nicely), put the end back on, add butter, and enjoy the grand old Yorkshire tune of Buttered Peas.

M.
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Still squeezing after all these years.
Mostly on hohners , with a couple of Dinos and a smattering of anglos - and now a Jeffries duet

pikey

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Dear other Marges. Please do not forget to quote the originating post when replying, as it makes my blood boil (or it would if it wasn't currently riddled with flu).

M. 

 ;)
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Still squeezing after all these years.
Mostly on hohners , with a couple of Dinos and a smattering of anglos - and now a Jeffries duet

Nick Collis Bird

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Sorry Marge, have just been Malcolm Bebbed, is this a problem?
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Has anyone heard of the song. “ Broken Alarm-clock Blues” ? It starts   “I woke up this Afternoon”

pikey

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Sorry Marge, have just been Malcolm Bebbed, is this a problem?

Was he in the bed at the time?
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Still squeezing after all these years.
Mostly on hohners , with a couple of Dinos and a smattering of anglos - and now a Jeffries duet

Nick Collis Bird

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Sorry Marge, have just been Malcolm Bebbed, is this a problem?

Was he in the bed at the time?

No! Embedded, I think he might be a journalist.
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Has anyone heard of the song. “ Broken Alarm-clock Blues” ? It starts   “I woke up this Afternoon”

Broadland Boy

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I was boating on the Norfolk Broads as one does in mid January, when I fell overboard into a load of reeds and then heard a 78 disk being played of a Cuckoo. Is this a record?

Dear Marje,

While consuming the remains of a discarded paper of chips found on the towpath the other day I happened upon your column and lurking amidst the grease stains, the query from a Nick Collis Bird regarding his unfortunate mishap while on holiday on the Broads and some subsequent intercoarse. This revelation has explained a peculiar event which has caused uproar in our hamlet  - if you will permit me.

The reeds into which Mr CB fell were being laundered following a more than usually messy Wassailing session. Unfortunately while I was at the delicate soft water rinsing stage, I was called away by the local Constable to assist in rounding up and darting a couple of itinerant banjo players who had 'gone rogue' while in the care of a community somewhere, when I returned there was a scene of carnage but no sign of what caused it, visitors were blamed (as usual) and this appears to have been the case, as usual. Unfortunately in the absence of a suitable visitor the blame has come to rest with me - the pressures of high office.

The reeds belong to the parish bass bandoneon and are typo a mano, I understand from our blacksmith that this means they were what he had to hand after the originals were requisitioned as part of the WW2 metal drive. Unfortunately as a result of Mr CB's disturbance of their rinsing, on re assembly it was found that two bass redplates are now missing (Hb/H and H/H# - I queried this apparent depature from the traditional musical scale and was advised that they were so low even a pair of G's welded end to end would sound sharp, something to do with the original specification by Messrs Nudds & Sugden, late lamented local musical experts)

Could you please print an appeal for Mr GB to check his turnups, wellies, surgical appliances etc. in case they were removed from the scene inadvertently then return if found ?

Naturally without this unique instrument we are left with a problem, although there are no festivals or known incomers to discourage at present we will need to restore this vital part of the parish armoury and if the originals cannot be found there is talk of needing to contact Messrs Blum & Voss Gmbh in case they have any other remaining bits of Scharnhorst hull lurking anywhere.

Temporarily, we have purchased and are awaiting the delivery from the Anti-Podes of what appears to be a similarly rare and unique instrument for A$18,000, from a delightful Sheila who had advertised it on Gumbay, in perfect working order, one of a kind, shipped in its own soft cushion cover, it remains to be seen what thickness of armoured glass it is capable of shattering at 20 paces.

Any of your readers willing to contribute toward the cost would be greatly appreciated, we are a small community, mostly brothers / sisters / cousins etc and don't get out much what with the webbed feet and restraining orders.

I am sorry to disabuse Mr CB's record claim, what he heard was almost certainly the sound of the water powered device we use for sanitising returnees from Suffolk and the village band's PA's in, the cuckoo merely being the timer indicating the end of the initial Jeyes Fluid Disinfection cycle - those on the 'dark side' don't get the personal touch of me handling their damned tooty, squeaky, moany bl**dy boxes, six foot away on the end of a pitchfork is close enow for the likes of that lot.

Yrs Truly

Ivor Blunderbuss
Village Idiot Emeritus
Bogside-on-Bure
Norfick'n'Good
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Richard A
Venit ventus contrarius ventus egrediente,
Omnes prope quid ventum est circa

Nick Collis Bird

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I was boating on the Norfolk Broads as one does in mid January, when I fell overboard into a load of reeds and then heard a 78 disk being played of a Cuckoo. Is this a record?

Dear Marje,

While consuming the remains of a discarded paper of chips found on the towpath the other day I happened upon your column and lurking amidst the grease stains, the query from a Nick Collis Bird regarding his unfortunate mishap while on holiday on the Broads and some subsequent intercoarse. This revelation has explained a peculiar event which has caused uproar in our hamlet  - if you will permit me.

The reeds into which Mr CB fell were being laundered following a more than usually messy Wassailing session. Unfortunately while I was at the delicate soft water rinsing stage, I was called away by the local Constable to assist in rounding up and darting a couple of itinerant banjo players who had 'gone rogue' while in the care of a community somewhere, when I returned there was a scene of carnage but no sign of what caused it, visitors were blamed (as usual) and this appears to have been the case, as usual. Unfortunately in the absence of a suitable visitor the blame has come to rest with me - the pressures of high office.

The reeds belong to the parish bass bandoneon and are typo a mano, I understand from our blacksmith that this means they were what he had to hand after the originals were requisitioned as part of the WW2 metal drive. Unfortunately as a result of Mr CB's disturbance of their rinsing, on re assembly it was found that two bass redplates are now missing (Hb/H and H/H# - I queried this apparent depature from the traditional musical scale and was advised that they were so low even a pair of G's welded end to end would sound sharp, something to do with the original specification by Messrs Nudds & Sugden, late lamented local musical experts)

Could you please print an appeal for Mr GB to check his turnups, wellies, surgical appliances etc. in case they were removed from the scene inadvertently then return if found ?

Naturally without this unique instrument we are left with a problem, although there are no festivals or known incomers to discourage at present we will need to restore this vital part of the parish armoury and if the originals cannot be found there is talk of needing to contact Messrs Blum & Voss Gmbh in case they have any other remaining bits of Scharnhorst hull lurking anywhere.

Temporarily, we have purchased and are awaiting the delivery from the Anti-Podes of what appears to be a similarly rare and unique instrument for A$18,000, from a delightful Sheila who had advertised it on Gumbay, in perfect working order, one of a kind, shipped in its own soft cushion cover, it remains to be seen what thickness of armoured glass it is capable of shattering at 20 paces.

Any of your readers willing to contribute toward the cost would be greatly appreciated, we are a small community, mostly brothers / sisters / cousins etc and don't get out much what with the webbed feet and restraining orders.

I am sorry to disabuse Mr CB's record claim, what he heard was almost certainly the sound of the water powered device we use for sanitising returnees from Suffolk and the village band's PA's in, the cuckoo merely being the timer indicating the end of the initial Jeyes Fluid Disinfection cycle - those on the 'dark side' don't get the personal touch of me handling their damned tooty, squeaky, moany bl**dy boxes, six foot away on the end of a pitchfork is close enow for the likes of that lot.

Yrs Truly

Ivor Blunderbuss
Village Idiot Emeritus
Bogside-on-Bure
Norfick'n'Good

Deer Marge.
Eye hav just reseevd a letter  from a sertun I. Blunderbug. This woz totalee unsolisited. Eye  no my rites! How did a sertain Mrs Brooke's-Buggerbus get holed of mi persanal deetales. Eye woz Bourne in Norfuck an no Howe too riplie  two lettas.
  Eye think eye hav a problemme, Mi fone haz bean haked bi sed Blunderbugger, an Eye doent hav a fone. This is Norfuck after awl.
Duz me or Brooke's- something or other hav a problemme?
Yors, Alan Partridge's distent relashon.

Edited two korect  punktueation
Edited to take Paracetamol .
« Last Edit: February 26, 2014, 10:16:49 AM by Nick Collis Bird »
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Has anyone heard of the song. “ Broken Alarm-clock Blues” ? It starts   “I woke up this Afternoon”

Nick Collis Bird

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Dear Marje, I am staying in Wadebridge in Cornwall this week and was missing my friends oop North, so I went into our local shop (open one hour, on Thursdays only) and bought a Yorkie Bar.
Do you think I was over the top? or do you think the difference and damage between us in the South West and them North of us is irreparable ?
Signed, an owner of a dog called Teddy.
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Has anyone heard of the song. “ Broken Alarm-clock Blues” ? It starts   “I woke up this Afternoon”

pikey

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I was boating on the Norfolk Broads as one does in mid January, when I fell overboard into a load of reeds and then heard a 78 disk being played of a Cuckoo. Is this a record?

Dear Marje,

While consuming the remains of a discarded paper of chips found on the towpath the other day I happened upon your column and lurking amidst the grease stains, the query from a Nick Collis Bird regarding his unfortunate mishap while on holiday on the Broads and some subsequent intercoarse. This revelation has explained a peculiar event which has caused uproar in our hamlet  - if you will permit me.

The reeds into which Mr CB fell were being laundered following a more than usually messy Wassailing session. Unfortunately while I was at the delicate soft water rinsing stage, I was called away by the local Constable to assist in rounding up and darting a couple of itinerant banjo players who had 'gone rogue' while in the care of a community somewhere, when I returned there was a scene of carnage but no sign of what caused it, visitors were blamed (as usual) and this appears to have been the case, as usual. Unfortunately in the absence of a suitable visitor the blame has come to rest with me - the pressures of high office.

The reeds belong to the parish bass bandoneon and are typo a mano, I understand from our blacksmith that this means they were what he had to hand after the originals were requisitioned as part of the WW2 metal drive. Unfortunately as a result of Mr CB's disturbance of their rinsing, on re assembly it was found that two bass redplates are now missing (Hb/H and H/H# - I queried this apparent depature from the traditional musical scale and was advised that they were so low even a pair of G's welded end to end would sound sharp, something to do with the original specification by Messrs Nudds & Sugden, late lamented local musical experts)

Could you please print an appeal for Mr GB to check his turnups, wellies, surgical appliances etc. in case they were removed from the scene inadvertently then return if found ?

Naturally without this unique instrument we are left with a problem, although there are no festivals or known incomers to discourage at present we will need to restore this vital part of the parish armoury and if the originals cannot be found there is talk of needing to contact Messrs Blum & Voss Gmbh in case they have any other remaining bits of Scharnhorst hull lurking anywhere.

Temporarily, we have purchased and are awaiting the delivery from the Anti-Podes of what appears to be a similarly rare and unique instrument for A$18,000, from a delightful Sheila who had advertised it on Gumbay, in perfect working order, one of a kind, shipped in its own soft cushion cover, it remains to be seen what thickness of armoured glass it is capable of shattering at 20 paces.

Any of your readers willing to contribute toward the cost would be greatly appreciated, we are a small community, mostly brothers / sisters / cousins etc and don't get out much what with the webbed feet and restraining orders.

I am sorry to disabuse Mr CB's record claim, what he heard was almost certainly the sound of the water powered device we use for sanitising returnees from Suffolk and the village band's PA's in, the cuckoo merely being the timer indicating the end of the initial Jeyes Fluid Disinfection cycle - those on the 'dark side' don't get the personal touch of me handling their damned tooty, squeaky, moany bl**dy boxes, six foot away on the end of a pitchfork is close enow for the likes of that lot.

Yrs Truly

Ivor Blunderbuss
Village Idiot Emeritus
Bogside-on-Bure
Norfick'n'Good

Deer Marge.
Eye hav just reseevd a letter  from a sertun I. Blunderbug. This woz totalee unsolisited. Eye  no my rites! How did a sertain Mrs Brooke's-Buggerbus get holed of mi persanal deetales. Eye woz Bourne in Norfuck an no Howe too riplie  two lettas.
  Eye think eye hav a problemme, Mi fone haz bean haked bi sed Blunderbugger, an Eye doent hav a fone. This is Norfuck after awl.
Duz me or Brooke's- something or other hav a problemme?
Yors, Alan Partridge's distent relashon.

Edited two korect  punktueation
Edited to take Paracetamol .

Dear Nick,

That was Norfolk an' good.

M.
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Still squeezing after all these years.
Mostly on hohners , with a couple of Dinos and a smattering of anglos - and now a Jeffries duet

pikey

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Dear Marje, I am staying in Wadebridge in Cornwall this week and was missing my friends oop North, so I went into our local shop (open one hour, on Thursdays only) and bought a Yorkie Bar.
Do you think I was over the top? or do you think the difference and damage between us in the South West and them North of us is irreparable ?
Signed, an owner of a dog called Teddy.

Dear Teddy owner,
You should have purchased two, to help our Northern colleagues in their struggle over the North/South economic divide. It does increase the risk of you turning into a lorry driver, but perhaps that would be  useful as it would enable you to transport your large collection of melodeon's from the wet half of the country to the much better dryer northern half.
M
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Still squeezing after all these years.
Mostly on hohners , with a couple of Dinos and a smattering of anglos - and now a Jeffries duet

Nick Collis Bird

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Norfolk an' good ! Love it  ;D my weekend entertainment was standing on Potter Heigham  bridge watching hire boaters trying to get under the arches at high tide! Anyway I digress.
 
Dear Marje,
I was trying to sell my squeezebox on eBay  when I had a horrible letter from a certain Fleas Lesson, who told me where to stick it. So I was very rude back and told him it belonged to my great grandfather and was handed down to him in 2013. So I doubled the price.
Do you think I was wrong here?
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Has anyone heard of the song. “ Broken Alarm-clock Blues” ? It starts   “I woke up this Afternoon”

pikey

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Deaf Bric,

This seems like an attempt to subvert the Buy and Sell forum by alerting other melnetters to the fact that there is a melodeon for sale somewhere on Fleabay (other auction sites are available). I have always found Mr Lessons suggestions to be very sensible, as long as you use enough lubricant. I'm sure that your great grandfather would approve of using his melodeon for a variety of purposes, even if it may prevent you from sitting down for a number of weeks. Does the melodeon in question have any stops? Not only do they prevent accidental removal after insertion, they of course add value to the instrument. My general advice would be to avoid referring to anything on Melnet that could annoy any other member of Melnet. I will fetch our coats.......

M.
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Still squeezing after all these years.
Mostly on hohners , with a couple of Dinos and a smattering of anglos - and now a Jeffries duet

Nick Collis Bird

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Deaf Bric,

This seems like an attempt to subvert the Buy and Sell forum by alerting other melnetters to the fact that there is a melodeon for sale somewhere on Fleabay (other auction sites are available). I have always found Mr Lessons suggestions to be very sensible, as long as you use enough lubricant. I'm sure that your great grandfather would approve of using his melodeon for a variety of purposes, even if it may prevent you from sitting down for a number of weeks. Does the melodeon in question have any stops? Not only do they prevent accidental removal after insertion, they of course add value to the instrument. My general advice would be to avoid referring to anything on Melnet that could annoy any other member of Melnet. I will fetch our coats.......

M.
[/quote
 
Dear M,
 Thank you so much for the advice about the stops.
Immodium and figs did the trick.

Yours very relieved, Beaf Dick
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Has anyone heard of the song. “ Broken Alarm-clock Blues” ? It starts   “I woke up this Afternoon”
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