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[Noodle]

Dear Margarita,

Recently my melodeon's been a bit short with me. There's still some sweet notes during play, but lately some have been a few times when the noise has been a bit... "off" or raspy. A friend of mine recommended I shouldn't be so ignorant about what makes things tick and that I should learn more about those "inside bits" so I know what to tweak to get things back on song. Is this wise? I mean, we have a great relationship and all, but I don't want to ruin things by touching things I shouldn't.

What should I do?

Yours bashfully,

Rod Bhanjo

[Nick Collis Bird]

Dear Rod bhanjo,
You could touch me anytime  with a name like Rod.
 Ahem! But as for your question, that's a stiff one . If you have any dexterity , and I hope you have, don't be afraid to pull the two ends off . You'll be amazed at what you find inside and you will begin to understand the workings they are not that mysterious.
  I do wish you luck, and thank you for your insertion.    ( in this forum I hasten to add)

[Grape Ape]

Dear Marge,
I was hesitant to write as I have been unsure how to address this subject. Let me start by saying that as a player of the ubiquitous GC melodeon, I am a somewhat lonely guy on this site of DGers and BCers. As if that wasn't sad enough, the result is that it is very infrequent that a box I actually want to buy shows up in the Buy and Sell section (which I read like the morning papers of yesteryear). "Tough break," I am sure you are thinking but it gets worse.
So the few boxes I do have interest in keep getting snatched from beneath me by some guy who calls himself Rees, though I think that is just a pseudonym for "guy who snatches desirable boxes out from under me." Could these be personal attacks? Does he have it in for me? I feel he is using the time difference between our countries to his advantage, like some kind of melodeon time machine. Any thoughts on how to turn the tables on this nefarious voleur of sweet boxes, so that next time I might beat him to the punch?

[ACE]

Dear Marje, I am having terrible nightmares lately with a recurring theme. In the dream I pass away and go to that big session in the sky. I know you will say that is what happens when you get old, but that is not the nightmare. It is my wife selling my melodeons for the low price I told her I paid for them that wakes me up with a start. I could leave a note to be opened after my demise, but she is bound to 'accidently' open it by mistake, thus shortening my life even more.

[Nick Collis Bird]

Dear Marje, I am having terrible nightmares lately with a recurring theme. In the dream I pass away and go to that big session in the sky. I know you will say that is what happens when you get old, but that is not the nightmare. It is my wife selling my melodeons for the low price I told her I paid for them that wakes me up with a start. I could leave a note to be opened after my demise, but she is bound to 'accidently' open it by mistake, thus shortening my life even more.

Dear Ace, I feel that your problem is quite severe. Please supply your wife's name and address and yours of course, and my team will nip round and relieve you of all your melodeons . Hence problems resolved. Sleep well, knowing that your problem has been resolved. Having left Gods waiting room, I am sure you will be happy with this arrangement.. 
Marje.

[Nick Collis Bird]

Wot? 30.00 quid for a Castignari? We're on our way!!

[squeezy]

Dear Marge,

Please help me.  I am a melodeon player who wants a small light melodeon that I can throw around that has 5 voices, 5th button start with accidentals and I want to be able to play the squeaky end too - it has to sound like a one-row played by Oscar Woods but also play in every key and have every note in every direction.  It has to have that classic Hohner sound, with Italian reeds and be handmade by a frenchman who lives in Norway.  It mustn't be chinese and it has to have mitred corners because all the sound resonates through the corners.

I don't think that's too much to ask.  However it's driving me so insane that I spend most of my life in a strange corner of the internet having ridiculous circular arguments with other people who have similar, but slightly different problems and my missus is threatening to leave me.

Can you solve my problem once and for all please.

Yours

Mr. Thewholemembershipofmelodeondotnet

[Nick Collis Bird]

Dear Mr thewholemembersofmelodeon.net
   No I can't help. Suggest you subscribe to the Daily Mail instead.
Marje

[pikey]

Dear Marge,
I was hesitant to write as I have been unsure how to address this subject. Let me start by saying that as a player of the ubiquitous GC melodeon, I am a somewhat lonely guy on this site of DGers and BCers. As if that wasn't sad enough, the result is that it is very infrequent that a box I actually want to buy shows up in the Buy and Sell section (which I read like the morning papers of yesteryear). "Tough break," I am sure you are thinking but it gets worse.
So the few boxes I do have interest in keep getting snatched from beneath me by some guy who calls himself Rees, though I think that is just a pseudonym for "guy who snatches desirable boxes out from under me." Could these be personal attacks? Does he have it in for me? I feel he is using the time difference between our countries to his advantage, like some kind of melodeon time machine. Any thoughts on how to turn the tables on this nefarious voleur of sweet boxes, so that next time I might beat him to the punch?

Dear Grape,
Unfortunately my experience has been that there is no defence available to mankind against the phenomenon that is Rees. All we can hope for is that Wales seeks independence in the same way as our Scottish colleagues, and that they pick a currency that isn't acceptable to the rest of the world e.g. the Laver, or the Wool.  That will then give you the chance to buy some nice boxes. The only fly on the horizon though is that Mr Collis Board seems to be rapidly expanding his collection, and I don't believe he has a G/C box yet.
Happy Hunting!
M.

[Nick Collis Bird]

Dear Marge,
I was hesitant to write as I have been unsure how to address this subject. Let me start by saying that as a player of the ubiquitous GC melodeon, I am a somewhat lonely guy on this site of DGers and BCers. As if that wasn't sad enough, the result is that it is very infrequent that a box I actually want to buy shows up in the Buy and Sell section (which I read like the morning papers of yesteryear). "Tough break," I am sure you are thinking but it gets worse.
So the few boxes I do have interest in keep getting snatched from beneath me by some guy who calls himself Rees, though I think that is just a pseudonym for "guy who snatches desirable boxes out from under me." Could these be personal attacks? Does he have it in for me? I feel he is using the time difference between our countries to his advantage, like some kind of melodeon time machine. Any thoughts on how to turn the tables on this nefarious voleur of sweet boxes, so that next time I might beat him to the punch?

Dear Grape,
Unfortunately my experience has been that there is no defence available to mankind against the phenomenon that is Rees. All we can hope for is that Wales seeks independence in the same way as our Scottish colleagues, and that they pick a currency that isn't acceptable to the rest of the world e.g. the Laver, or the Wool.  That will then give you the chance to buy some nice boxes. The only fly on the horizon though is that Mr Collis Board seems to be rapidly expanding his collection, and I don't believe he has a G/C box yet.
Happy Hunting!
M.

Dear Marge, I couldn't help noticing in your column that my name has been taken in vein (bloody cheek, geddit , vein,?)
 Anyway, G/C? I'll have you know that I didn't even pass the eleven plus exam and as for a GC/E ?
Absolutely no chance. Might try a GCSE though as a mature student.
Keep up the good work, sincerely yours, Brick Bollis Kird.

[pikey]

Dear Marge,

Please help me.  I am a melodeon player who wants a small light melodeon that I can throw around that has 5 voices, 5th button start with accidentals and I want to be able to play the squeaky end too - it has to sound like a one-row played by Oscar Woods but also play in every key and have every note in every direction.  It has to have that classic Hohner sound, with Italian reeds and be handmade by a frenchman who lives in Norway.  It mustn't be chinese and it has to have mitred corners because all the sound resonates through the corners.

I don't think that's too much to ask.  However it's driving me so insane that I spend most of my life in a strange corner of the internet having ridiculous circular arguments with other people who have similar, but slightly different problems and my missus is threatening to leave me.

Can you solve my problem once and for all please.

Yours

Mr. Thewholemembershipofmelodeondotnet

Dear Mr. Thewholemembershipofmelodeondotnet,

I think you need one of these

[Andrew Wigglesworth]

Dear Marge,

Please help me.  I am a melodeon player who wants a small light melodeon that I can throw around that has 5 voices, 5th button start with accidentals and I want to be able to play the squeaky end too - it has to sound like a one-row played by Oscar Woods but also play in every key and have every note in every direction.  It has to have that classic Hohner sound, with Italian reeds and be handmade by a frenchman who lives in Norway.  It mustn't be chinese and it has to have mitred corners because all the sound resonates through the corners.

I don't think that's too much to ask.  However it's driving me so insane that I spend most of my life in a strange corner of the internet having ridiculous circular arguments with other people who have similar, but slightly different problems and my missus is threatening to leave me.

Can you solve my problem once and for all please.

Yours

Mr. Thewholemembershipofmelodeondotnet

Dear Mr. Thewholemembershipofmelodeondotnet,

I think you need one of these

Not, that'll make him SAD   

[pikey]

LOL! 

[Nick Collis Bird]

Dear Marge,

Please help me.  I am a melodeon player who wants a small light melodeon that I can throw around that has 5 voices, 5th button start with accidentals and I want to be able to play the squeaky end too - it has to sound like a one-row played by Oscar Woods but also play in every key and have every note in every direction.  It has to have that classic Hohner sound, with Italian reeds and be handmade by a frenchman who lives in Norway.  It mustn't be chinese and it has to have mitred corners because all the sound resonates through the corners.

I don't think that's too much to ask.  However it's driving me so insane that I spend most of my life in a strange corner of the internet having ridiculous circular arguments with other people who have similar, but slightly different problems and my missus is threatening to leave me.

Can you solve my problem once and for all please.

Yours

Mr. Thewholemembershipofmelodeondotnet

Dear Mr. Thewholemembershipofmelodeondotnet,

I think you need one of these

Not, that'll make him SAD   

Oh stop it . I just bought one recently and you can play Telstar on it just like it was. Eat your heart out Joe Meek.
BUT, it was promoted by an Australian who was a childhood hero for me, thank God I'm not female!!
How the mighty have fallen

[Guy]

Dear Marge,

Please help me.  I am a melodeon player who wants a small light melodeon that I can throw around that has 5 voices, 5th button start with accidentals and I want to be able to play the squeaky end too - it has to sound like a one-row played by Oscar Woods but also play in every key and have every note in every direction.  It has to have that classic Hohner sound, with Italian reeds and be handmade by a frenchman who lives in Norway.  It mustn't be chinese and it has to have mitred corners because all the sound resonates through the corners.

I don't think that's too much to ask.  However it's driving me so insane that I spend most of my life in a strange corner of the internet having ridiculous circular arguments with other people who have similar, but slightly different problems and my missus is threatening to leave me.

Can you solve my problem once and for all please.

Yours

Mr. Thewholemembershipofmelodeondotnet

 
Dear Mr. Thewholemembershipofmelodeondotnet,
 
It's your lucky day! I just so happen to have a medium-sized shed full of such instruments, which I bought whilst on holiday in Trondheim from a noted French maker who mysteriously disappeared shortly after, leaving no trace of his workings.
Unfortunately I am not currently in a position to be able to post pictures, sound clips or videos. However, to avoid disappointment by procrastination, as there is such a demand I can now offer these unique instruments at an extremely reasonable price. All you have to do is forward bank details, credit card number(s), date of birth and National Insurance number to participate in this once-in-a-lifetime offer, and then I will post details of costs and postage. When they're gone, they're gone! Hurry now while stocks last!
 
Terms and conditions apply. Max. 7 instruments per applicant

Thanks, Marge
 .
 

[pikey]

Dear Marge,

Please help me.  I am a melodeon player who wants a small light melodeon that I can throw around that has 5 voices, 5th button start with accidentals and I want to be able to play the squeaky end too - it has to sound like a one-row played by Oscar Woods but also play in every key and have every note in every direction.  It has to have that classic Hohner sound, with Italian reeds and be handmade by a frenchman who lives in Norway.  It mustn't be chinese and it has to have mitred corners because all the sound resonates through the corners.

I don't think that's too much to ask.  However it's driving me so insane that I spend most of my life in a strange corner of the internet having ridiculous circular arguments with other people who have similar, but slightly different problems and my missus is threatening to leave me.

Can you solve my problem once and for all please.

Yours

Mr. Thewholemembershipofmelodeondotnet

 
Dear Mr. Thewholemembershipofmelodeondotnet,
 
It's your lucky day! I just so happen to have a medium-sized shed full of such instruments, which I bought whilst on holiday in Trondheim from a noted French maker who mysteriously disappeared shortly after, leaving no trace of his workings.
Unfortunately I am not currently in a position to be able to post pictures, sound clips or videos. However, to avoid disappointment by procrastination, as there is such a demand I can now offer these unique instruments at an extremely reasonable price. All you have to do is forward bank details, credit card number(s), date of birth and National Insurance number to participate in this once-in-a-lifetime offer, and then I will post details of costs and postage. When they're gone, they're gone! Hurry now while stocks last!
 
Terms and conditions apply. Max. 7 instruments per applicant

Thanks, Marge
 .

 

[Nick Collis Bird]

That's Horace Batchelor Keynsham Bristol
K.E Y.N.S.H.A.M  BRISTOL
and now back to radio Luxemburg with Cliff Richard on a Hohner C C# accompanied by the Ericas.
( just a Shadow of himself nowadays.)

[pikey]

Dear Mick Bollis Curd, please refrain from bringing Cliff Richard unto this. I once had a nasty experience on a summer holiday with some mistletoe and wine with Mary's boy child and santa's list. I wished him 'Congratulations'. It is so funny we don't talk anymore.

M.

[Thrupenny Bit]

 

[SamH]

Dear Marge.

Please help me.
I am a melodeon player.

Thanks
Anon